Communication Breakdown

I say potato, you say potahto via way too many apps xx

In a world getting smaller with communication platforms growing in scale and sophistication, why is it that we seem to be losing real connection?

Of course, all communication platforms are not created equal and do not always equal connection. There are many ways to reach out, all layered with their own nuance, via many devices - phone, email, whatsapp, snapchat, instagram messaging, voice notes and on it goes. And yet it seems many of us are still lost for words.

Is it that we have we lost confidence in our communications? We all have our favoured ways to communicate yet many of us avoid having an in person conversation or god forbid, a natter on the landline. Does anyone even have a landline any more? Personally, I find the sheer choice of communication vehicles overwhelming and that removes the simplicity of conversation - especially given I struggle to string a sentence together half the time. But I have a feeling the tide is changing. I feel a communication breakdown may morph into a breakthrough. I hope we’re coming back to phone calls and real life connection. It might be led from the current teens up; but it may also need us to lead by example (gulp).

Aside from the obvious current panic over adolescent device and social media usage, the default for young people of messaging rather than speaking is concerning. So much of their learning through social interaction is lost when not directly speaking or observing body language. My teens look at me like I’ve landed from mars when I suggest actually calling their friends rather than constantly messaging them. But am I any better? What am I communicating to them with my own communication choices?

Growing up, the landline was a source of many emotions and mischief too. Aside from the mailbox, it was the only way to communicate when not in person with anyone in our home. We learned of happy news and sad news via the home phone, always delivered within the comfort of conversation. The brave boys calling up the Mackenzie household of three girls had to get through my mother or father’s chat first while my sister and I developed an art of very slowly lifting the landline in my parent’s bedroom to listen in to our older sister’s conversations. Hours were spent either on the phone or waiting for the line to be free to make or receive calls. All the while we were learning to decipher communication codes - in taking turns to speak (or not), tone of voice, questioning, active listening, and how to end the call - ‘you hang up first’, ‘no youuuuu’…

We may also underestimate how wholly misunderstood we can sometimes be. Even though I’ve completed a post grad degree in communications, I frequently fall short of expressing what I really want, both professionally and personally on any given platform. And especially a voice note - I literally cannot master the art and waffle on like a lunatic, that one is certainly not for me! And although I adore communicating with loved ones far and wide, I find myself choosing the less direct route over and over, telling myself I don’t have the time for a long phone call. Sending memes to a friend is never going to be the same as the joy of a chat on the phone but at least it’s something, I feebly tell myself, while I waste too much time scrolling and not enough time dialing.

Communication breakdown, it’s always the same.
Havin’ a nervous breakdown, drive me insane…
Lyrics from my Led Zeppelin era slightly over-dramatising the current communication caper

The written and spoken word are obviously very different. I find that some people are quite consistent in tone for both and some are wildly different. I suppose the latter can be understood and respected since it’s a completely different form of communication but I like a little consistency in my communications and in my contacts. I find the warmest of people in person can sometimes feel cold on email or text. And weirdly, this can happen in the reverse too. I am often told I write like I speak which is possibly a back handed compliment, but I feel more confident writing as I can be (almost) sure of what I get across. Conversely, when speaking I can often say too much and occasionally too little; and increasingly speak with perhaps too much honesty. Also, there is no magic edit button!

Here I break down some of the current communication conundrums as I see it (aside from the obvious issue of too many messages and not enough phone calls) - from teen comms to rom comms; the art of timing, cultural differences and why context is everything…

1. Teen Comms (or Lack of)

The age-old presence of generational lingo and how we communicate with relevance feels very real right now. Both my teenage son and occasionally daughter are now sometimes (accidentally on purpose?) calling me Bro - and that differentiates from Bruh (said very quickly with a faint roll of the tongue). The first loosely means ‘mate’ and the second, ‘what’s up/cool/hey’ as far as I can decipher. We’ve thankfully largely moved on from Skibidi (mostly positive, also just a filler), and What The Sigma (whaatt? what the hell?), to - Main Character (steeling limelight as in ‘Ew, Mum you’re being such a main character’), Randos (random person ‘OMG he’s such a rando’ ‘who is this rando’), It’s not that deep / Deeping it (to call out or call a stop to any serious conversations), Karen (the ultimate insult for a middle aged woman being irrelevant), You’re Him (hoping there’s a You’re Her coming - for now it’s used when you do a cool trick with a football or on the trampoline etc), Yap / Yapping (too much chatter/nagging) Rizz, (charisma), Lit (cool/amazing!). What’s funny or mildly depressing depending on my mood is our five year old’s adoption and often incorrect usage of the above lingo.

Then there is the teen exchange we’re all too familiar with…

Me - “Hi my darling, are you ok? How is it going? Are you having fun? Who are you with? I miss you like mad and can’t wait to see you! I’m soooo proud of you! So much love, forever and EVER!! Mama xxxxx (+ 10 emojis).”

Teen - “Ok…” or “Cool” or “Yeah” on succinct rotation.

I then feel the need to school on the use of warmth in communications but I’m met with “Mum, lose the emojis it’s a really Karen thing to do. You’re also OTT with kisses etc. Play it cool, Bro.”

2. Cultural Differences

Growing up in Australia we were influenced by both UK and US culture and how we pronounce and use words is split roughy down the middle. After 20 odd years in the UK, I have now unconsciously adopted many of the English versions but some I hold onto tightly. My children have largely transitioned to British lingo to accompany British accents and I giggle when they pronounce ‘tour’ as ‘tor’ and they poke fun of me for still saying ‘too-ur’. I now say a clipped yoghurt instead of yooooeeeegurt and call zucchini’s courgette. But I cannot and will not ever get on board with saying any of my children are ‘poorly’ when they are unwell.

When I first arrived in London in the late 90’s I was walking down office corridors when everyone I passed kept asking me if I was ‘Alright?’. I couldn’t understand it. “Yes I’m fine, everything’s ok, thank you, are you ok?”. I made the mistake of stopping to see if everything was indeed alright and quickly realised there was no issue or emergency and everyone seemed super relaxed. I eventually learned to just nod and say the same back while keeping on walking…

When we lived in Singapore, the ‘Singlish’ (vibrant pidgin English, blending English with influences from Malay, Chinese dialects, and other languages) took a little while to grow accustomed to. Everything was ‘Noted, lah’. In fact almost all sentences ended with lah. It became a catchy addition and we still sometimes use it today. And in dealing with any service, we accepted ‘Can’ for Yes and ‘Cannot’ for No. Cannot did seem a little funny at first but I do love - Can, Lah?

And just to remind you that pants mean trousers in the US (and sometimes in Australia too), not underpants. It’s worth knowing this!

You say either, I say either
You say neither and I say neither
Either, either, neither, neither
Let's call the whole thing off, yes

You like potato and I like potato
You like tomato and I like tomato
Potato, potahto, tomato, tomahto
Let's call the whole thing off

Ella Fitzgerald sang about this back in 1937 in ‘Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off’

3. Email Etiquette

Emails are the best/worst. I find the forced formality of many so utterly dull I could just slide off the screen to sleep. But the super upbeat ones littered with exclamation points are sometimes tiresome also. ‘Happy Friday!!’, ‘I hope you’re having a great day!’ ‘Hello! I hope this email finds you well’. But I’m guilty of ALL the above. When the email chain becomes so long and one runs out of new colours to reply to the points, my impatient nature gets the better of me and I make a call, which is a good call. Hours of back and forth on email can be sorted in minutes and it’s good for the relationship. A problem solved, a little laugh, connection made and poof, passive aggression be gone.

Another email fail is the failure to reply and the awful excuses we all come up with on rotation - (this also works on WhatsApp). “I replied in my head but not IRL.” “I thought I had replied but just found it in my drafts.’ ‘I don’t think my email went through.’ Etc. Also guilty! But why do we feel the guilt? Can we not just say I was busy or not even mention it and get on to the reply when ready?

Also, how to sign off? ‘Best wishes’ is my go-to for more formal comms but I’m so bored of it and it feels so formulaic. However none of the alternatives seem to feel relevant either. ‘Regards’ is just so devoid of warmth it feels rude to me. ‘Kind regards’ - dullsville. ‘Warmly’ is a bit odd. ‘Warm wishes’ is a bit too me and I have to restrain myself from that one (also I used it in winter and that is just beyond cheesy and frankly unacceptable). ‘Many thanks’ is a little vanilla and ‘Kindly’ feels like it’s from the wrong era. ‘Kindest’ I just don’t get despite using it on occasion. ‘Yours?’ It feels overly indebted but maybe it works… What I am missing? We tease our 13 year old son (who thankfully writes the best thank you letters) for signing off with ‘Yours Sincerely’, but he gets away with it as it’s all done with his signature ‘rizz’. What do you use?

4. Auto (in)correct

I have the unfortunate issue that all autocorrect auto-incorrects ‘Emily’ into ‘Enjoy’ which can seem either terribly over-familiar, sarcastic or just plain odd, depending on the format. ‘Best wishes, Enjoy’ is the most favourable outcome - you can imagine some others.

Recently I worked on a project where the person involved was called Armit and my lovely autocorrect unhelpfully changed every exchange on every platform to… Armpit. It was so awful but still makes me LOL in a very immature way.

A sense check is always better than a spell check and sometimes you need the big picture rather than the detail (do and don’t are not always picked up on!). When I was at British Vogue, the team of sub-editors were incredibly talented and never missed a typo… until the entire September issue was checked thoroughly from start to end, but the spelling of the cover star, Keira Knightley was spelled Kiera on the cover. Whoops.

4. Timing’s everything

I once had a boss that used to send emails to me and our wider team sometime between 9.59pm and 10.30pm almost every week night that were curt in tone and kept us up all night tossing and turning. I vowed to never send late night or weekend emails in a corporate or team environment and except for when I’m on deadline with a close colleague, I try my hardest not to now. Same goes for teachers, they definitely don’t get paid enough to have emails about other people’s children in the evening or weekends. I find an early morning works best. So I try get on top of emails (who am I kidding - those that know me have seen the groaning inbox app on my phone spilling over at 30,000!); write them, save in drafts, give the more sensitive ones the overnight test, and ping them off en masse with a satisfying swish tone from 6am.

5. The kisses conundrum

When we were first dating I had to spell out to my now-husband the importance of kisses (x) on texts and all communication. All these years later he still adds an extra kiss on a text if he’s forgotten. I scatter them so liberally I have to really make an effort to stop myself from sending them on the end of school emails, to our builder and to new or male clients. For everyone else, I always send two at least - one seems so stingy! Sometimes I push the boat out with a new contact and include one next to my first initial like this - Ex. If the recipient is in favour and responds in like we move to two kisses but if not reciprocated I move back to none. I mean I really should bother my mind with more important things, shouldn’t I!?

We have many new Americans join our school lately and I realise they must think we’re all mad with the amount of kisses that go on every school WhatsApp message but gosh their replies somehow seem a little naked and perfunctory without them! Another cultural difference apparently. Though I do know how passive aggressive kisses can also seem when they are there for no good reason and especially after a punchy opener or reply. But how does one retreat from a lifetime of kissing comms?

7. Context is Key

Tone is important but context is everything. What you read/hear/interpret may not necessarily be what is actually written or intended especially for the highly sensitive amongst us. My husband always gives me two pieces of advice with ‘those’ emails or messages - a) don’t be overly sensitive and read into things and b) cut your reply down by at least half. Wise advice but SO hard to implement for me! Tone can be wildly misinterpreted depending on current mood, shared experience and future dreams.

When I was about 11 years old, I picked up the landline at home at one end of the house when my father picked up at the other at the same time. It was my Auntie Margot so I stayed on to listen in (of course). She got straight to it, “Peter, I’m devastated to say we’ve lost Miffy’s little black dog”. I am Miffy and the little black dog was mine. We’d had him only a year and had already had a near-death experience with a tick (deadly Australian insect very hard to spot in fluffy dogs) so we sent him out to family in the drier countryside where there were no ticks, and where I would soon join him in the holidays. “LOST… lost, he’s lost”, I thought, heart and mind racing, imagining myself walking along dusty roads calling his name, vowing to find him however long it took. When my stony faced parents came to the door, I knew ‘lost’ had a different meaning altogether… A heartbreaking lesson in double meaning.

On a lighter note, take song lyrics and our tendency to hear something that sounds right to us. Our five year old has some wonderful interpretations - we realised she sings ‘power... power… power cut’ for Coldplay’s ‘Paradise’; and ‘stabilise stabilise ah ah ah ah stabiliiiiissee’ for ‘Staying Alive’ by The Bee Gees, referencing her tiny world in which at the time, power cuts were frequent and her bicycle stabilisers were coming off. One of my oldest friends recently confessed she had always thought the lyrics to Red Red Wine by UB40 were ‘Red Red Wine… Steak Lobster Me-e-eat’ instead of ‘Stay Close to Me-e-ee’. You see this is the thing about communication - your current environment can really colour how you interpret communications. As does common sense - wine with food, right?

I’m also not afraid to admit I initially thought LOL meant lots of love!

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So, what does it all mean?

It’s not all negative - the group WhatsApps with my friends that make me LOL every single day are a gift in my life. There is a rise of teenagers with dumb phones that make real life connection cool and doom scrolling and brain rot deeply uncool. I can hear my daughter laughing her head off with her friend who calls from boarding school, often on a Thursday night. The choice of messaging platforms means I can reach my loved ones on other time zones without needing to wait to speak.

If in doubt, pick up the phone or video call. You won’t regret it. Remember to choose your words carefully and kindly and do consider a couple of xx in closing!

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Yours,
Emily xx