The Extraordinary Ordinary

Let's hear it for all the girls...

I’m a little late to the party for International Women’s Day which is recongised around the world on the 8th of March but it’s been on my mind ever since. While I have lots I’m writing about and looking forward to sharing, I couldn’t let this month pass without reflecting on the strength and solidarity of the ‘extraordinary, ordinary’ girls in my life. My post happens to be on Mothers Day here in the UK and while on many levels this is appropriately timed, the girls in my life aren’t all mothers, but they do all share the mothering spirit.

I use the term ‘girls’ on purpose - semantics matter to me. I will refer to women in general but the women in my life? They are my girls! I am not a fan of the term ‘ladies’. It conjures up forced ‘ladiessss nights’ and irritating waiters saying, ‘Alright Ladies?!’ I know this sounds like I’m not a true ladies girl. On the contrary - I have always and will always be a girl’s girl, I couldn’t love the heroines of their stories, the glorious golden girls in my life more. I just prefer the terms ‘girls’. I remember listening to a podcast episode on The High Low with Pandora Sykes and Dolly Alderton (god, how I wish they’d bring it back) where they were discussing this very thing. They were also not a fan of the term ‘ladies’ and vowed to use ‘girls’ until their dying days. I felt so seen and knew I loved those girls! For girls if what we’ve always been. I’ll never be a proper ‘Lady’ by title and also still feel like I’m about 8 most of the time so it feels right. I can’t wait to ask the ‘girls’ over when I’m 80. Also, my love letter is to ALL the girls, of all generations.

Anyway, back to International Women’s Day (IWD) and to be honest, I’ve been slightly wincing at a lot of the content around it and frankly, the need for it. I simply can’t understand or adequately explain to my children of both genders why the day dedicated to promoting equal rights for women is STILL needed in 2025. Aren’t we enough? Haven’t we been through enough? Can we not just have the same, please, given we represent more than half the population?

As we all know it’s complicated, nuanced, and horrifyingly, the gender gap is going backwards - a wholly depressing thought that only adds to the escalating rage I feel for many of those responsible. And while the girls of generations Z and Alpha know they can have it all, some of them, horrendous as this is, don’t want it (or don’t know they want it) opting for a trad girlfriend role while the boys growing up discuss ways to control or hurt their female peers. It’s enough to make me weep in despair but weep I will not. I loathe most of the men in power and all they represent but this is not a time for man hating or giving up. It’s about an unwavering dedication to raising our young people to support girls all through life and to do better in big and little ways, every damn day.

yep, still going and always will be…

The thing that irks me slightly about IWD content (and I am guilty as have contributed to it a lot over the years) is that it usually centres around the brilliant high-achieving trail-blazing women in our societies. And while they certainly need to be celebrated and given a platform, this focus on success breeds an undertone that we’re still never enough, just being us. I couldn’t love a female story of triumph against all odds or women making life better for us all more. However, there’s more to the story and what’s been on my mind this month has been the ‘extraordinary, ordinary’ (a phrase stolen from my dear friend Georgie McCourt from her The Grace Tales podcast); the brave women and girls everywhere who support themselves and one another throughout life’s ups and downs. So, this is a love letter to the extraordinary, ordinary girls - not ordinary in a basic, average way, but in a keep-going-every-day way - showing up with integrity, strength and humour, showing grace under fire.

I’ve seen the best and sometimes the worst of girls as I have always been surrounded by them - I am the youngest of three girls, attended an all-girls school, and worked in a female dominated industry of women’s lifestyle media. I have sisters who are friends and friends who are sisters, colleagues who have become life long confidantes, fellow mothers who are my wise counsel and source of LOL’s; old friends, new friends, and a sister who is my life-long life-line and best friend.

It is at this time of my life I want to pause to reflect on how ‘the girls’ in my life, the extraordinary, ordinary ones, really come through shining in middle age. In my experience it’s around this time that women untangle their complex relationship with fellow women and start to really show up in their strength, unravelling years of staying small or stuck in a comparison cycle, and open up their hearts and minds. And opening up hearts and minds at this age is not easy as there is a lot going on.

As author Jojo Moyes put it in this podcast episode on Woman’s Hour discussing mid life women in her book, We All Live Here:

“I look around me at the women I know and most of my friends are, you know, ‘holding up the sky’ as I call it. They’re looking after elderly relatives, they’re looking after teenagers, they’re looking after young children, they are taking care of their friends, they are trying to hold down jobs. I just think there is, kind of, an emotional and physical burden that doesn’t get acknowledged very much, at least not with humour, because often when women of this age get written about, it’s always rather victim-y or just miserable and actually there’s a lot of fun involved. Women of this age are also capable of being rude and silly and irresponsible and supportive and loving and hard on each other and all the complexities are still happening, even at this age. The thing about getting older is we realise we never get better at this stuff. I have no idea what I’m doing, we just have to get on with it, do the best we can and hope to have a laugh along the way.”

It’s in mid life that old female friendships run deeper and the newer ones cut through the bullshit and shine. It’s when you have real life experience, know yourself better, are not afraid to speak your mind (in my case anyway - the filter is definitely off), and after navigating life’s ups and downs and messy moments you’re ready to step in when needed. I’ve never witnessed anything quite like women in a crisis. It’s a powerful phenomenen that’s difficult to capture in words. Get a woman to sort out the mess in the US and it would be done quickly and sensitively. In mid-life women are often navigating tricky teens or empty nest (or in my case tricky teens and a 5 year old!), aging parents, health issues, fertility struggles, financial troubles, relationship breakdowns et al. In other words, shit gets real. Add mid-life hormones or a lack of, and it can be tough. But with the right girls around you, there can be some brilliant black comedy moments, perspective and support.

At a school event last summer I witnessed the most perfect and hilarious example of girl power - women in a ‘crisis’ coming together. I attended a leaver’s dinner for the parents of my daughter’s prep school, going solo as my husband was getting back from London late. I drove our ‘in between’ car - a very old battered station wagon we had kept at my in-laws for over a decade while living abroad. It was a bit embarrassing to drive amongst the Range Rovers but such is my life. The dinner was superb - all twinkly-lit in a renovated barn with wonderful company, and although tired and one of the first to depart, I left feeling warm and happy and about to play some good tunes on my drive home when suddenly, seconds after starting the engine, I felt an enormous bump. It was completely dark all around - no street or outside lights in this very rural part of the countryside, and my heart was pounding in my head. Had I crashed into a fellow parent’s expensive car? I opened the car door and partially fell out due to a questionable gap from car to ground. Hurriedly, heart racing, sweaty palmed, I found the flashlight on my phone and to my absolute horror, saw that my car had mounted a stone wall in the car park. It was on a 45 degree angle - the two front wheels dangling carefree high up in the dark summer air. Oh for the love of God! Why me!

Heart beating out of my chest, berating myself for continually being in these situations, I knew I had to face the music and act fast too, as in about 15 minutes the entire year group would be departing via the car park and witness the sorry spectacle. Bravely I walked into the crowded room. My eyes quickly scanned past all the men and fell on the one woman I knew would fix it. As terrifying as she could sometimes be, I knew she was made for these moments. “Excuse me Jane, I’ve done something really stupid.” Looking at me, in an instant, she knew it wasn’t good. “Gosh, Emily, don’t worry, we’ll sort it.” Sort it she did. In less than 10 minutes, she had - found the host and owner of the barn, opened up the work shed, located a jack, inserted it under the car, told my wonderful friend who had come out, drink in hand, to help/witness the drama “No, Polly you cannot film this, absolutely not, put your phone away”, instructed the host to get behind the wheel muttering “Jonny of course you have to get in the car, Emily can’t, she’s in shock for goodness sake”, and took off her heels. There, barefoot, side by side - Jane, Polly and myself - sisters-in-arms; while Jonny started the engine, pushed the vehicle back off the wall and with a dusty bang, wheels on the ground, the car was back in action and we all cheered and high-fived. With giggles through tears I thanked Jane, hugged these wonderful girls and a bemused Jonny, and away I fled into the dark night…

Connection through crisis is a wonderful silver lining but the ultimate goal is connection without crisis! So what do I tell my girls about the sisterhood and how to nurture friendships? In my experience, if you show vulnerability and admit to life being far from perfect, there is usually a bonding that occurs. It’s amazing to me how many of us go through the same things, and until one of you opens up, the weather chat can be ted-i-ous! It doesn’t mean we should all go around moaning about life and being Debbie Downers (I try SO hard not to be one) but a little reality and a black humour about teen hardships or aging parents or the monotony of motherhood can go a long way. As can a message of solidarity, a hug and laughter through tears.

In this month alone, I’ve seen women come together to create the most beautiful memorial for their beloved friend and be there in so many thoughtful and important ways for her family; a woman taking her mother around a supermarket and patiently letting her choose the produce while accepting her bad temper; a woman remaining calm when her tantrum-ing twin toddlers wouldn’t get in the buggy and graciously accepting help; a woman tearfully telling me she’ll stay by her vehicle after walking out of a crash to check if the other driver who smashed in to her was ok; a woman showing up to a school concert before rushing to be at her father’s hospital bed; a woman supporting her ex-husband and father of her children through cancer treatment; a woman spending 5 hours in a school car park cajoling her child into school (for the 5th day in a row). And on it goes. Extraordinary, ordinary girls they all are…

I often think of one of my marvellous mother’s favourite quotes from the Australian pastoralist and author, Sara Henderson, whose courage under fire was an inspiration to a generation and a nation, “Don’t wait for a light at the end of the tunnel, stride down there and light the bloody thing yourself.” The capable and courageous girls in my life do this every day in myriad of ways.

How lucky we are to have the girls in our lives. My only wish for the boys, is that they could have the same support in their friendships. It doesn’t have to be all new age ‘holding space’ and ‘thank you for sharing’, but a little more than a pat on the back would make a big difference… This isn’t about us and them, boys will (almost) always have a place at our table. Just not on ladies girls night!

To the girls in my life who lift me up, catch me when I fall, laugh until we cry and cry until we laugh - thank you. Here’s to the solidarity in sisterhood. Let’s hear it for the girls, for the future, for chasing dreams and saying fuck the patriarchy. Let’s raise boys that know girls are just as good and to stand up for them. Let’s scoop up each other’s girls when they fall, and our boys too, and show them all they CAN do anything and have fun at the same time.

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Thank you for reading! Emily x