Running on Empty

Wake up calls, on my mind & fresh starts...

Sep 29, 2024

Last week I ran out of petrol. I also ran out of petrol the week before! I have never run out of petrol in my 30 years of driving and, that, in itself is a miracle. I have often sailed close to the wind as far as filling up my tank, literally and figuratively, however to run out of petrol twice in a matter of weeks sounded some much-needed alarm bells…

The first time I was showing my dearest friends visiting from Australia around our countryside village. Suddenly mid sentence, while gesturing to the ‘oldest tithe barn in England’, the lights all flashed on the dashboard, then it went to black and we just stopped. Luckily they are the best of friends and we laughed and laughed. Though they doubted it was the first time I had ever run out of petrol, I kept my cool and my head high, and we walked home to my ever patient and unflappable husband who was neither surprised nor annoyed. I put the thought to one side with a feeble, ‘It must be this new-ish car, it just doesn’t give me the same warnings and seems to run out of petrol quite quickly after the yellow light goes on.’ My husband reminded me wryly that the yellow light is indeed the signal to fill up fast, there is no more signaling to follow. Must do better, I thought, and on we went…

Last week was the wake up call. A rainy Tuesday morning, driving on the motorway between dropping my middle school children and my youngest at her new school, when the now familiar lit-up-dashboard-to-complete-darkness happened and I tried to veer slightly to the verge, but couldn’t manage it. Absolutely not a case of paradise by the dashboard light.

Assessing the situation I decided not to waste time calling the AA, admit my failings by calling my husband or speed dial my ever reliable neighbour. I was not a damsel in distress. I had created this situation and I would take matters into my own hands. The hazard lights went on, and my stoic four-year-old, said ‘Don’t worry Mummy, we’ve got this.” Off we walked down the side of the motorway, me looking like a homeless woman clutching her uniformed daughter with no umbrella - the new walk of shame. Luckily the petrol station wasn’t far. I made the slightly alarming and regretful decision to leave my child there while I bought a jerry can, filled it up and legged it down the motorway to my car. I then scooped up my daughter, bought an Amazon voucher for the kind petrol station attendant who kept her occupied with a Paw Patrol magazine, and off we zoomed to school and work.

A lucky escape, one of so very many I’m afraid. It’s a running family joke that I try to avoid filling up petrol at all costs and I’ve had many ‘adventures’ getting to the petrol station just in time with my children - literally rolling in with the air con off (thinking this might save petrol), holding our breath and shrieking with joy and relief when we arrive in time. After opening the petrol cap to the hiss of air, only air, in there; we fill up (but never all the way for some reason); and grab a celebratory bag of Tangfastics for the road.

I’m well aware this is not a joke. I am a mother of four on the downhill to 50 and I need to be more responsible. These recent turn of events have coincided with a bit of soul searching after a long summer with the children (it seems only weeks yet a lifetime since that dreamy summer reset) and frankly feeling a bit exhausted with not much in my tank. Enter September and a fresh new start. No resolutions in sight but the steadfast desire to gather more reserves for the grueling next few months ahead - filling up both the petrol in my car and my own tank, so I can be there for everyone else, and yes, for myself too.

I’ve always found the quote ‘Put your own oxygen mask on first’ slightly irritating. I mean, as if you would do that?! I know you should of course from a practical sense however my instinct would be to help my children first. And as you can probably work out, practicality isn’t my strong suit. But there is something in that. Filling up one’s own tank so you can remember to fill up the petrol tank!

Rather than try to reinvent myself into an ‘ahead of the curve, super organised and ready for all situations’ type of person that I will never ever truly be, I’ve decided to focus on filling up my own tank in the following ways:

See my friends.
Something I put off in the busy week in person or calling those far away as time is fleeting, but it is always worth it and it fills up my tank like nothing else. It also comes with a serving of laughter and that is the best medicine. Bonus points for laughter through tears.
Seek out the glimmers.
And let the triggers pass through. I have learned to feel the triggers rather than push them away, acknowledge and let them pass, then spend my time noticing the glimmers (the opposite of triggers - the tiny moments that bring joy in the every day - a song, a memory, a chance conversation, a lovely connection with a stranger, helping someone in need, et al).
Prioritise sleep.
Everything is better after a good night sleep. I’m obsessed with finding the holy grail of sleep, and that may mean having to finally remove our youngest from our bed, and have another try at meditation. No tech before bed and exercise during the day I know help enormously.
Move my body.
Mix it up and find the fun and variety to keep me connected. Yoga, running, dog walking and I must start lifting weights. To quieten my mind above all else and to help with number 3 (and ultimately to remember the petrol!)
Get up early.
All summer I’ve been up with the birds. It makes a huge difference to me on how the day runs from there. But a rainy dark morning is challenging. I must remember it’s always worth it, on a weekday at least.

If I can focus on those 5 basics I hope to be on top of things just enough to remember the petrol. As I always say - having a clean car with petrol in the tank and a fresh pedicure means I can handle almost anything! Mostly because that’s a rare combination.

What are the ways you fill up your tank so you’re not constantly running on empty?

On My Mind…

1. Mindsets around aging.

With a growing gnawing feeling about my age and stage, late 40’s (how has that happened?!) I’m making a concerted effort to alter my gaze of influence to women (and men) over 50 who inspire me and appear to be enjoying their age and stage! There’s an energy and freedom that seems to come with it and as I still have young children I’m very interested in longevity and being relevant (eeek!) as I cross to the other side in the next few years. The wonderful writer and friend from my hometown, Amelia Wilson, Substack publisher of Some Happy Scribbles (a must subscribe) shared 50 things she’s learned about turning 50 and it’s wonderful. Yes to the wisdom that we can absolutely lay claim to!

2. Slowing down vs Being Inspired.

While clearly there is a need to slow down so one can remember to fill up with petrol, I find the never-ending messaging about slowing down unrelatable. Not only because it’s not easy to slow down when you are juggling a lot but also because sometimes a forced slow down when you’re not that sort of person can just be a little dull and demotivating. I’m one of those people who ‘thrive on being busy’. Don’t get me wrong, I cannot bear the ‘busy as a badge’ mentality but the real truth is if I don’t have exciting things happening around me I don’t have any energy to bounce off. The key for me is to be inspired and to have variety - a mix of the children and their needs and joy, of work challenges and exciting projects, travel plans and home renovations, and personal goals with some down time to recharge - walks in nature, great reads, interesting podcasts and conversations. It’s the variety that really is the spice of life. I remember listening to an episode on the wonderful (now archival) podcast, The High Low by Pandora Sykes and Dolly Alderton where they explored this very notion, I felt so seen and have vowed to keep going and being inspired (with slower moments in between) ever since. And the last thing any of us need is to feel yet more guilt about not slowing down!

3. Paddle your own canoe.

These wise words come from my lovely friend Fleur who used to declare she and her husband were ‘paddling our own canoe’ with their version of life in the English countryside. But it’s not easy is it? As humans we are influenced by the company we keep and can’t help drawing parallels with how people live. I am very aware of the slippery slope of trying to ‘Keep Up With The Joneses'. My husband is very good at paddling his own canoe but I find it hard not to question our decisions on parenting, education, social media and so on. Pausing to stop and check in with my own values and those of our family helps me remember that our decisions on how to raise our children and what’s important to us, their schooling and everyday happiness, is ours and ours alone.

With that, I am going to put the blinkers on, paddle my own canoe and sail off into the sunset…. No really! In a few short hours, I am boarding a plane with five friends to Ibiza for three nights. I simply cannot believe it. See you on the other side with tales of mid-life meanderings on the white isle!

(Update! I was so busy chatting en route to the airport I forgot to send this out so I’m back from Ibiza, my tank runneth over with good times and sunshine, friendship and fun, which is a very good thing as I need a LOT of that in the tank to face the winter months ahead.)